Beer, Pornstars, Sex and Tequila
by iconicdoxi
Summary: Bella wants one more human experience. She wants to get drunk. And she plans on doing so with or without Edwards approval, will the Cullens step up to help their little sister out? Obviously Emmett's in, but that's a given.
1. The Discussion

A/N: So…I've finally succumbed to writing a fic about Twilight…damn my creativity! Couldn't just let it go…

I felt like Stephenie Meyer missed a couple things Bella should have experienced as a human, like drinking, for example, and apparently the idea of it wouldn't rest until I did something about it.

I've read the few fics out there that involve a good booze fest, but they always include Bella becoming this crazy drunken fiend. My vision of drunk Bella wasn't quite so…hyper, so I buckled down and wrote my own inset.

I figure this would be set somewhere in Eclipse. At a point where Bella's connected with the Cullen's, she's secure in her relationship with Edward and is at a general ease…is there even a point of all that in Eclipse?...It's been awhile since I read it…anyway, you get the point. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: don't own anything Twilight related save my own copies of the books.

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"Bella I said no." Edward glared at me, his arms crossed against his exposed and glorious chest.

"You yourself said you didn't want me missing out on any _human experiences_." I told him, mocking his voice, as if I could even come close to mimicking his perfect melodic sound.

He groaned in frustration, running a hand through his tousled hair and I had to bite back a moan. He was sexy even when he was angry, that wasn't very fair to the rest of us. "I just don't think it's a very good idea."

"You don't know that…and Alice told me a while ago that when people drink they're too indecisive for her to see their future, so you literally don't know that it will be bad." I had my sights set on this and knew my argument well, there was no way he could win against me.

"That's exactly _why_ you shouldn't partake in this particular experience, how can I protect you when I don't know what to expect?" He asked me exasperatedly, reaching out a cool hand to brush my cheek causing me to unconsciously lean into his touch. Damn him.

"You can't _always_ protect me Edward." I sighed, my contentment ending when I heard his low growl. "People drink all the time Edward. It's normal."

"Yes, and then they die in a drunk driving accident." He argued, taking a step back from me.

"Then I promise I won't drive and I'll stay off the roads." I swore tiredly, he could argue all he wanted. I was going to drink.

"You could die from alcohol poisoning."

"I promise to stick to a set limit."

"Liver damage."

"From one night?" I raised an unconvinced eyebrow.

"You'll embarrass yourself." He told me pointedly and I could tell he was running out of excuses.

"When _don't _I embarrass myself? Next."

"I'm not condoning this Bella." He sighed, though his voice was authoritative and stern.

"Then I'll have to find someone who does…I'm sure someone from school's throwing a party this weekend." I didn't want to make him angry, blackmail him into the idea, but this was getting ridiculous.

With a loud growl he mumbled a "no" before swinging me onto his back and running us back to the Cullen home. Once we were there we were greeted by a beaming Alice.

"Why are you blocking me?" Edward snapped after he lowered me to the ground, I flinched from his tone mixed with trying to stabilize myself and immediately felt bad for the guilt the small movement had caused Edward. "I'm sorry Bella."

"It's fine...system overload is all." I promised with a smile, reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze when he didn't believe me.

"Ohh, no fun." Alice pouted suddenly and Edward lightened up in front of me…either Alice just pulled off an amazing cover or I unknowingly changed my mind on getting drunk. I didn't think it was the latter but I thought I'd play along with it anyway since being honest about it wasn't getting me anywhere.

"C'mon love, it's late." Edward coaxed as he pulled my hand to lead me to his room. Charlie had already approved of a sleep over with Alice so we didn't have to worry about me being home for the night, that girl really was a life saver.

"So I guess Alice had a vision of me conceding to your _demand_." I sighed dejectedly, climbing onto the bed and flopping onto my back drastically.

"I don't know why you wanted to experience it in the first place…the next day is always hell for the consumer." Edward thought out loud as he slid onto the bed beside me, pulling me into his arms.

"It's a normal human experience, to drink alcohol at some point, get a buzz. I want…ed to have that feeling, just so I at least tried it." I explained, my argument dwindling as I remembered that I was supposed to let go if the idea, at least according to Alice's 'vision.'

"Alcohol - it can lead to some very negative outcomes, I just don't want anything to happen to you. I couldn't bare it." He told me evenly, fighting with himself, trying to remain composed as I argued with him. I couldn't fault him for caring about me, but he had to lighten up.

"I get it." I murmured as I snuggled into his chest, wanting him to drop the subject completely.

He slipped his hand under my chin, guiding my face to look at him. "Do you really?"

"Of course, I mean if this was reversed, I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you." Of course I wouldn't go as far as _forbidding_ you to do something so relatively harmless, I continued my thought inside my head.

"Good. I'm pleased you understand." He grinned, pressing his lips to mine gently. "It really is a mundane thing to do, get drunk."

I sighed as he scoffed to himself, never more thankful for his need to hunt then in this moment as I laid my head back down on his chest. That's when I would test out this whole alcohol thing. He would go out hunting, someone would be stuck here with me so I wouldn't have to worry about something completely horrible happening, and life would go on. Edward would be pissed, my stomach knotted at the thought, but this was something I wanted to try, and if he didn't want to partake in the experience then so be it. I fell asleep that night as Edward softly hummed my lullaby; his previous aggression gone as I seemingly gave in to his wishes.


	2. The action and the results

"I'll miss you." I pouted, my arms wrapped around his waist as he prepared to go hunting with Carlisle and Esme. I was hoping that a couple of the others would be joining them…mainly Rosalie, on this particular trip, but I was happy to at least have the 'parents' out of the house.

"I'll miss you too, love." Edward murmured into my hair as he held my body close to his. I really was enjoying this moment, but I was also itching for him to leave, to get my own plans into action.

It was Alice who interrupted, pulling me from Edward's embrace. "You'll be back before morning. Go away."

Edward ignored her and pulled me against him again, pressing his lips against mine. Every time he left his kisses seemed to grow more passionate then the last, and this was no different. I felt my heartbeat flutter as I responded to the kiss, his tongue quickly sliding against my lips. We weren't given the chance to go any farther as Carlisle cleared his throat and Edward slowly pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. "I love you, I'll be back soon."

Smiling I pressed a quick kiss to his lips before stepping away from him completely. "Love you too."

With one last look he took off out the front door and with a quick nod Carlisle and Esme were right behind him.

With Edward finally gone I turned to go to his room to grab my bag, which I had loaded with Charlie's beer but was stopped by Alice, who stood in front of me grinning like a Cheshire cat with said bag in hand.

"How'd you fake the vision?" I asked her casually as I took the bag from her and headed to the living room.

"I just used a thought of us sitting around watching movies to block him, it's what he was looking for so it worked way too easily." Alice chirped, following me to the couch. "This is going to be so much fun!"

"How mad is he going to be?" I asked her hesitantly. I really didn't want to upset Edward or get anyone else on his bad side, but so far Alice had seemed more than willing to play, so it couldn't be that bad.

She shrugged. "Oh, he's going to be pissed. But whatever, it'll be worth it."

"What are we doing? Why's Mr. Immaculate going to be mad?" Emmett practically bounced at the idea of getting Edward riled up as he threw himself over the back of the couch opposite of us. "Is that beer?"

Suddenly Jasper and Rosalie were in the room too when Jasper gawked, "Beer?"

"Bella wants to party." Alice smirked and Emmett let out a boisterous cheer while Rosalie rolled her eyes, perching herself on the arm of the couch Emmett was on.

"Edward's okay with this?" Jasper questioned, looking from me to the cans on the table.

"He's not here is he?" I quirked my eyebrow, had he really expected Edward to allow this?

"Well, well. Didn't think the human had it in her." Rosalie commented smugly.

"Rose." Emmett scorned quietly and I smiled at his attempt to defend me.

"Edward said himself that he didn't want me missing out on any human experiences. I consider this a human experience. He didn't agree. Here we are." I told my family bluntly and I couldn't help the smirk that had appeared as I took in their surprised faces.

"Who are you and what did you do with Bella?" Emmett grinned deviously; I could tell he was going to be my number one supporter tonight, next to Alice. I hoped Edward wouldn't take it out on them.

"She got bored of playing by the rules?" I offered with a laugh, which, mostly, everyone shared with me.

"Alright then, let the games begin." Alice motioned to the beer, which was now accompanied by other various bottles, some I recognized as coke and sprite, others in glass bottles which I knew was more alcohol.

"Oh! Card game…Kings!" Emmett boasted, laying out a deck of cards on the table in front of us, spreading the cards out in a messy pile.

"I don't know how to play…and you guys aren't even drinking…" Great I was confused and I hadn't even touched the booze yet.

"We'll teach you as we go…it's not a hard game to pick up. And we'll just void our turns for drinking. Pick up a card Bella." Alice explained before motioning to the pile.

Hesitating I drew a card, a five of hearts. I looked at it before flashing the card to the rest of them, looking at them for what to do.

"Good start. Five good chugs Bells." Emmett grinned, handing me a beer after opening it for me.

I took the can and brought it to my lips, already repulsed by the smell. Closing my eyes I tilted the can a bit and the fizzy liquid flowed into my mouth, I breathed through my nose, getting a taste of beer for the first time and nearly spat it out. It was disgusting! How did Charlie drink this everyday!? With a strained effort I swallowed the beer and then opened my eyes, planning on chugging some coke from the bottle, but Alice was already handing me a glass of it. "Thanks."

"Not a fan of beer. Huh." Emmett nodded his head, as if this were some deeply intriguing new fact as I drained the glass.

"That was disgusting. No more beer." I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, thankfully the taste of the beer was gone, but it wasn't replaced by the sweetness of coke, no there was a darker taste to it. I held up the glass, "What was in that?"

"A couple shots of rum." Alice smiled innocently. "I knew you were going to down something to get the taste of beer out of your mouth so I figured I might as well spike it. And now look, you've already downed your first drink."

"Yippee." I drawled sarcastically, twirling my finger around for added emphasis.

"You're the one who wanted to drink." Rosalie commented dryly with the smallest hint of a smile.

"Oh and I still do…what's Tequila? And do we have any?" I challenged, smirking when Rosalie's eyes widened in shock, this was fun.

"Of course we do, okay, now, lick the back of your hand." Alice instructed me, holding a salt shaker out.

"Do what now?" I looked at her weirdly…why would I lick my hand?

"No, do body shots Alice!" Emmett suggested excitedly, earning himself a smack from Rose.

"Body shots?" I was so confused…drinking was apparently harder then it looked.

"Never mind him. You want to lick your hand so the salt will stick. Then you're going to lick the salt, take this shot, swallow it and then bite this lemon." Jasper explained. _Jasper_…apparently this was fun for the whole family.

I nodded and did as I was told, licking my hand as Alice sprinkled some of the salt on the area. Then I continued with the instructions, I licked the salt, took the proffered shot, swallowed it, cringed, and then shoved the lemon in my mouth, savoring the sour taste.

"And that's a tequila shot." Jasper nodded proudly before sitting back, I guess that particular shot was his specialty?

"And a body shot is when-" Emmett began but was cut off by Rosalie.

"Shut up Emmett."

"No, what's a body shot?" I looked around curiously, my head was starting to feel a little bit light already. One drink, one shot and one sip of beer. I assumed I was what was called a light weight if I was feeling a buzz already…

"Never mind. Here, try this." Alice shook off my question and handed me another drink and I was thankful it wasn't a shot, my throat still burned from the tequila. This drink was kind of a pinky-orange, and it tasted delicious. "It's called sex on the beach."

"It's so good." I practically moaned as I drank up more, not even caring about the teasing this was going to cost me. I quickly polished off my second drink, slurping it loudly through the straw.

"Okay, okay. Sex on the beach is good….drink this now!" Emmett was bouncing in his seat as he took the drink away from me and handed me another shot. It was a light brown colour, it looked milky. It tasted like coffee and almonds and had half the burn the tequila had.

"And that was?"

"An orgasm." Emmett told me smugly and I felt myself begin to blush, screw that…

"It was good!" I laughed, giggling even more when I found myself looking at the surprised faces of the Cullens for the second time that night. I was thoroughly enjoying drinking.

"Alright, reserved Bella has officially left the building." Jasper commented, letting out a chuckled at what I assumed was my behaviour. I grinned in response.

"More sex on the beach?" I turned to Emmett to take my drink back, before remembering I had already finished it. Luckily vampire speed had me waiting about two point five seconds for a new drink to be mixed, which he happily supplied me with.

"So…Bella…on a scale of one to ten, how buzzed are you feeling?" Emmett asked me as he sat back on the couch.

"Well, I don't know how buzzed ten feels. But if one is no buzz, two is slightly buzzed then let's say I'm feeling a solid…" I paused to think about it. I quickly remembered something about standing up to feel the real effects of alcohol if you've been sitting, so I quickly stood, and then I just as quickly faltered, laughing as I fell back onto the couch. "A solid six I'd say."

"At least she's a happy drunk." Rosalie sighed, the only one not laughing at my fall, although I could have sworn I saw her snicker.

"Ah Rose, maybe you should have a drink, lighten up a bit." I mused with a giggle, offering her a beer, she scowled. "Ok-ay I get it…but you know who could _really_ use a beer?"

Suddenly everyone stiffened, well Emmett let one muffled laugh escape, his face would have been red if he was human from holding back his laughter…he knew who I was talking about…oh hey, look it's Edward!

"Whoa…speak of the devil." I whispered to Emmett, pointing to the angry looking Edward with my drink. This was Emmett's breaking point, suddenly he broke into a fit of giggles and Rosalie was there in a flash to run him upstairs.

"Game over." Jasper muttered so low I hardly heard him.

"Yeah, game over." Edward repeated gruffly.

"No game over." I shook my head, challenging Edward as I took a large, noisy sip through my straw, letting out a loud sigh of relief when I was done, as if it were the most refreshing thing in the world to me, and my eyes never left his.

"Edward." Carlisle spoke his name slowly, I hadn't even noticed him and Esme enter. Whoops.

"I'm fine." Edward huffed, shrugging off Carlisle's hand which had gone to rest on his shoulder.

"No you're not." I sang as I put down my glass and looked at my ingredients to make another shot.

"I'm not?" Edward asked, his voice sounding confused…and closer. Wow he was right beside me now. Vampire speed plus alcohol dulled reflexes equal not such a good combo.

"Nope." I popped the p as I chose the pretty pink looking bottle, pouring in a little bit before deciding to pour in some of the blue liquid. Of course the bottles were full and heavy and my coordination was already shot before I began drinking so I spilt some. Most of it was on the table but some of it ended up on my finger. I offered it to Edward.

"Bella." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"See you're not fine. You only do that when you're mad or frustrated. You need some of this." I tipped the shot towards him before downing it, licking my lips afterwards. "Oh! That was good…Alice?"

I heard her sigh before answering, "Pornstar."

"I made an actual shot?" Go me.

Alice laughed, "Yea, I'd stop there though. The next one you concoct won't stay down very long."

"I'll just stick with this then. Thanks Alice." I smiled happily as I sipped on my sex on the beach.

"How many shots is a few?" Edward suddenly asked, obviously someone was having an unspoken conversation with him…

"Oh! Edward! Emmett gave me an Orgasm earlier!" I told him excitedly, remembering the shot, suddenly Emmett's loud rumbling laugh filtered down the stairs and I heard Edward growl… "No! It's a shot…I don't know what's in it…he just kind of gave it to me…but I want another one! Can you give me one?"

Jasper was trying to hold back a laugh now, Alice was giggling into a pillow, I could have sworn Emmett's laughing was shaking the house and Edward looked like he was about ready to explode. I looked over at Esme, who was grinning into Carlisle's shoulder and Carlisle even had an amused smile…that could only mean one thing, I had just embarrassed the shit out of myself, and probably Edward…I _was_ talking about an orgasm…. I rolled my eyes, "oh grow up, I was talking about the shot."

There was another round of giggles through the room and I couldn't help but feel a wave of embarrassment, I hated when they laughed about my sex life, or lack there of. I felt myself pout as I buried my head into Edwards shoulder, needing to feel his comfort and protection against his mean family and immediately I relaxed when his arm wrapped around me.

"Uh-oh." I heard Jasper mumbled and I looked to see him slide his arm around Alice, who smiled at him in return, kissing his cheek affectionately. I smiled at their actions and moved to get closer to Edward, who suddenly threw himself across the room against the wall. I felt my bottom lip tremble.

"No no Bella." Alice was at my side in a flash but it didn't stop the dagger of pain that ripped through my chest. I felt my eyes sting with tears and no sooner had they started to fall, I felt a bubble of laughter tear up my throat. And then I was laughing and crying, simultaneously.

"Bella?" Edward had taken a few steps away from the wall, but still kept his distance from me, this caused me to cry more but laugh harder.

"She's fine…she's drunk." Alice smiled, laughing a little bit with me as I nodded my head to confirm what she had said.

"You guys never taught me how-how to play Kings." I hiccupped as I stopped crying, Emmett was back downstairs in a flash.

"Emmett!" Rosalie yelled at him from the stairs.

"The girl wants to play Kings babe!" Emmett flashed me a grin and sat down on the floor in front of the table, I had quickly calmed down from my emotional outburst.

"_The girl_ is coming with me, to sleep this off." Edward was at my side again, his hand rubbing my back, it felt good.

I thought about it a minute, "I'm not tired."

"She's not tired Eddie, okay so if you pick up a King-"

"Emmett." Edward growled beside me, his hand no longer soothing my back.

"What? She's having fun bro, and she's not going to do it again…I don't think…Bells, are you going to drink after tonight?" I shook my head no, "See, let her enjoy tonight…she's going to feel like shit tomorrow."

"Please?" I pouted, trying my hardest to give Edward some form of puppy dog eyes.

"She's going to be fine, more then fine actually…she won't even throw up until tomorrow." Alice smiled…hey that meant she saw me _being allowed_ to continue drinking!

"Just re-laxxx" I drawled as I swung my leg over Edward and pushed him back into the couch, I smiled and leaned forward to rest my head on his shoulder kissing his neck before I moved my leg so I was now sitting in his lap. "Sex on the beach?"

Edward let a confused "What!?" slip out while everyone else snickered, no one however, answered my request.

"Hold her." I heard Alice command as I leaned forward to reach my drink on the table, almost immediately I felt Edward grip my waist and pull me back, but not before I had the glass in my hand. I shot Alice a glare, she made me this drink, I should be allowed to finish it.

"You were going to fall." She answered my unasked question, laughing as I smiled while taking in a sip from my drink. It was still delicious.

"God this is good." I sighed, leaning back against Edwards chest, cradling my drink.

"Emmett!" Edward growled behind me, I felt the vibrations against my back

"I wasn't going to say anything!" Emmett exclaimed, oh right, my ming reading boyfriend could hear what everyone thought of my drunken antics. I giggled to myself.

"Bella, how are we feeling?" Carlisle asked as he approached me, I suddenly had to focus to see him clearly.

"I'm feeling pretty good, I don't know about anyone else though." I beamed, I was so clever, I heard a wave of chuckles wash through the room, Carlisle looked to Jasper.

"I've never felt her emotions this light before, she'll get hit with a strong one every now and then but I mean, what you see is what she's feeling." Jasper reported…he kind of reminded me of an emotions weather man…oh Carlisle's talking to me again.

"-drinks have you had?"

"Uhm…" I tried to count them in my head and on my fingers, "tequila, sex, pornstar, orgasm, sex…I don't think the beer counted…" so that was five…why was everyone snickering like that? "Five, two drinks and three shots. And a sip of beer…that doesn't count though."

"You forgot the double rum and coke." Emmett reminded me.

"Oh yeah! And that rum and coke Alice started me off with. I chased the beer with it." I smiled proudly, she shot me a look of panic with her eyes but quickly replaced it with her innocent smile when Carlisle turned to look at her.

"She'll be hung over tomorrow. But she should be fine, Edward." Carlisle announced with another look at me.

"_She_ knows that, Alice already said all that." I hated when they talked as if I weren't right there. I took another drink, "Silly Carlisle. Never bet against Alice."

"She's a very reserved drunk." Carlisle noted.

"What? Did you expect me to be bouncing off the walls? I'm high not drunk." I paused a minute, "wait that wasn't right…"

"You're drunk not high." Rosalie corrected for me, surprisingly.

"Excatly…maybe I should try that next though…" I looked at Edward. I laughed, he looked _pissed_. "I'm kidding."

"Not funny." He ground out, his hands were still in fists. I picked one up and forced it open.

"Lighten up…you're so serious _all_ the time." I groaned and then shifted to throw myself back to lie on the rest of the couch dramatically, my legs were still across his lap. "Can we watch a movie?"

Alice was already on it and the lights went out as the picture on the tv came to life. I looked at Edward and he was staring straight ahead, at the tv, but his eyes were glazed over. I reached to his hand and pulled on it, gaining his attention. I smiled and tugged again, I wanted him to lie down with me, but he didn't budge. He looked back at the tv and I looked around the room, everyone had left, I guess I wasn't as entertaining anymore, oh well.

With a sigh I rolled myself up and was straddling Edward again. I kissed the corner of his mouth shortly and reveled in the feeling when his hands found my hips. I sighed, "I love you."

"I love you too, Bella." He reached up and brushed some of my hair back, I leaned forward to kiss him.

"I want you." I whispered against his lips, opening my eyes to see him staring back.

"Bella."

"Really. Badly." My eyes shut when I rocked my hips forward, what was I doing?!

"Bella." He groaned and his grip tightened on my hips, but it didn't feel like he was stopping me.

I rocked my hips again, and we both groaned before I covered his lips with mine, pushing myself against him when he responded, his lips moving seductively with my own. I brought my hands to his shoulders, moving them to wind through his hair. I felt his tongue press against my lips and I immediately parted them for him. I felt his tongue brush against mine and as soon as it had started he had ended it, pulling away from me completely. Panting, I looked at him, hurt and confused and extremely light headed.

"You're drunk, Bella." He told me, rubbing his hands across my back.

"So? That doesn't change anything."

"You're instincts are off, your vision is clouded. You wanted to wait. I'm not going to take advantage of you." He sounded upset with himself and he wouldn't make eye contact.

"You could never take advantage of me Edward." I told him, tilting his head to look at me, I never wanted him to stop touching me, "just kiss me."

And he obliged. He kissed me passionately and with strength I didn't know I possessed I pulled him to lie down with me on the couch, shifting slightly so I was on top of him with his back against the cushions. He was going to let me do whatever I wanted it seemed, and in that realization I had a moment of clarity. I didn't want to do this drunk. I wanted to remember every kiss, every touch. And I wouldn't remember come morning if I pushed this tonight. I pulled away from the kiss and rested my head on his chest. "Jerk."

"What?" Edward asked breathily, a hint of smugness laced in his voice.

"You knew I'd think this through and stop…even in my drunken stupor." I huffed, melting as his hands began to rub my back again, I felt his chest rumble under mine as he chuckled, and I didn't want to be in any other place at that moment.

"I had faith you'd remember your own morals." I could hear him smile through his words, it was my turn to laugh.

"Morals has nothing to do with it." I smirked when his hands paused on my back, and I looked up at him "I just want to be able to remember," I leaned up to kiss his lips between my words, "every," kiss "moment," kiss "with you," kiss.

I leaned my forehead against his, my eyes falling closed when he captured my lips with his for a short but passionate kiss. "So you know about not remembering things quite so clearly after a night of drinking."

"Yep." Again I popped the p, and then I thought about what he had said. "That's why you're not mad right now…because I might not remember it…"

"Possibly." He shrugged innocently.

"That's just mean." I gasped and lightly smacked his chest.

"You're hangover won't help either." He sounded like he was enjoying the impending punishment way to much.

"I'm watching the movie now." I huffed, pressing my head against his chest and staring at the screen.

He laughed and stroked my hair, bringing my hand up to his lips and kissing it. "I love you, Bella."

I sighed, pressing a kiss to his chest, "I love you too."

I watched the screen, but I could only focus on his hands running up and down my back and through my hair and then there was his body underneath my own. I closed my eyes, bad idea. "Stop spinning Edward."

"Shoot." I heard Alice's voice curse from a far. There was a noise from beside me before Alice continued, "she'll need that in the morning."

I peaked open an eye to see an empty trash bin beside the couch, by my head. Charming.

"You have the spins. Close your eyes and focus on something else, love." Edward told me soothingly. I did as I was told, and was met again by the spinning feeling. It felt like I was stationary and everything was spinning around me, it was a horrible feeling, but soon I heard Edward start to softly hum my lullaby and the spinning faded as darkness took over.

* * *

A/N: That's all for now...I've considered writing the morning after...but it probably won't happen. I hardly had time to write this out, so finding the time to write more, without the creative pull will be nearly impossible. Hope you all enjoyed. Thanks for reading!


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